“It’s like old times” I told her

“Me sleeping over, listening to you snore! ”

Though it really wasn’t 

Because in the morning there would be no porridge to warm the cockles of my heart 

No listening to the wireless while going about our morning 

No making sure that I was warm and wearing a singlet

No, this time it would be different 

I’d be listening intently to your ‘snoring’

Your breathing, analysing its changing 

Finding soft, suitable music 

And giving you loving permission to go

I’d be pouring love your way 

Guided only by intuition, love and primal knowing 

Just like I did with my newborns

Letting my love instinct guide me

I fussed over you being warm enough

The lights being dim enough

Your hand being held enough 

I became a reiki practitioner 

Sending love energy with my hands all over your body 

Hoping, somehow, you were receiving its energy 

But never truly knowing 

I reassured you it was ok to leave

While at the same time believing you were immortal 

The strongest, most resilient

I know you were ready 

You had been for a while. 

But still, 

When the snoring finished

When the breathing stopped

That inevitable moment 

Sent shockwaves through my broken heart

That night I slept in your bed holding onto your t-shirt

Never wanting to let you go

Until I heard you in my head 

Telling me it’s ok

Guiding me to be there for my Mum

And me desperately wanting proof

That the voice was truly , truly you.