“It’s like old times” I told her
“Me sleeping over, listening to you snore! ”
Though it really wasn’t
Because in the morning there would be no porridge to warm the cockles of my heart
No listening to the wireless while going about our morning
No making sure that I was warm and wearing a singlet
No, this time it would be different
I’d be listening intently to your ‘snoring’
Your breathing, analysing its changing
Finding soft, suitable music
And giving you loving permission to go
I’d be pouring love your way
Guided only by intuition, love and primal knowing
Just like I did with my newborns
Letting my love instinct guide me
I fussed over you being warm enough
The lights being dim enough
Your hand being held enough
I became a reiki practitioner
Sending love energy with my hands all over your body
Hoping, somehow, you were receiving its energy
But never truly knowing
I reassured you it was ok to leave
While at the same time believing you were immortal
The strongest, most resilient
I know you were ready
You had been for a while.
But still,
When the snoring finished
When the breathing stopped
That inevitable moment
Sent shockwaves through my broken heart
That night I slept in your bed holding onto your t-shirt
Never wanting to let you go
Until I heard you in my head
Telling me it’s ok
Guiding me to be there for my Mum
And me desperately wanting proof
That the voice was truly , truly you.
What you’ve been saying