Today is Grandma’s birthday. She would have been 99. She never wanted to be 99, so from her point of view, she’s cool with not being here for it.

I, on the other hand, miss her so much, it feels unbearable.

Since she passed away, five months ago, I have discovered a lot about myself, through her.

I have felt her presence guiding me as I’ve navigated some of the toughest personal obstacles I’ve faced.

I’ve spoken to her every day, at times, quite demanding. I’ve begged her for signs, hope, something to know that she’s still with me, that it’s all ok. That “this is not all there is”.

There have been days where I’ve felt so empty because the “signs” haven’t been forthcoming or dramatic.

But, she wasn’t like that.

She wasn’t one for ostentatious “look at me” behaviour.

She was one for practical, down-to-earth advice. A lot of the time, serving up what you didn’t want to hear.

So, in passing, she is still delivering in her usual trade-mark style.

Though she isn’t giving me what I want, she is still dishing out what I need.

She’s the voice inside me, that every day this month has encouraged me to go walking every day. To write every day. To keep putting one foot in front of the other, no matter what.

She’s the resilience that is strengthening in me to get up and show up, even when I’d prefer not to.

She’s the little voice encouraging me to look after my family, to have a banana because it’s full of potassium and to bring the washing in before it gets dark.

She’s the voice that tells me to look out for snakes as I walk in the hot, dry country.

She’s the feeling that I will survive, because she’s been there, done that, and I can too.

She has shown me that love truly isn’t over because of the loss of a physical presence.

The legacy of her beautiful life continues within me every single day. She helps me to be better, stronger, tougher than I’ve ever had to be.

And even when I’m not, like today, she encourages me to look after myself.

Today, I had planned on going to Hay to visit her grave. Since waking, I have been unable to stop the tears. They’ve punched me in the guts, I feel truly vulnerable and weak.

She has very clearly advised me not to go all that way over there, upsetting myself more.

Though she can deliver no frills practical advice for living. Her number one wish for me is to take care of myself. Physically, mentally and emotionally.

To be sensible.

Sensible had never been my bag, but I’m seeing a lot of its practical applications because of the love of this strong, resilient woman.

I am a better person because of her love.How wonderful that it now lives inside of me, continuing and strengthening.

I love you so much Grandma.

Happy Birthday.